What I have been feeling lately is a whole plethora of emotion. The hard part is me not knowing where it is coming from! I've dealt with insomnia, (oh my goodness, insomnia. I don't wish that upon anyone!) anxiety, fear, loneliness, the general feeling that something's not quite right, inadequacy, and anger. I am grateful, for the small spurts of happy I've felt too.

It's been a weird chain of reactions. Insomnia leads to anxiety or anxiety leads to insomnia, it's a vicious cycle. My mind just thinks, and thinks and thinks. Don't even get me started on thinking about sleep itself--because I become a basket case. This has been going on for about a month and a half, that's reached chronic status. I'm going to see a doctor after the semester ends. Hallelujah!

Other health problems that will hopefully be solved with said doctor visit. I was going to write about them, but we'll leave physical ailments out of here. probably TMI. Hence the I feel like something isn't right. I hope we can get to the bottom of it soon.

Fear-- wow. It's hard to be fearful, and it's even harder to not fully grasp what I fear. I guess my fear would tie to my feelings of loneliness and inadequacy. I fear being alone, and being lonely. You know the feeling you can get, being "surrounded by a million people and I still feel alone..." (Michael Buble's Home), that's how I feel. I am the type of person who only needs one or two close, close friends, not a bunch of whatever friends and those are the type that I have right now. It doesn't help me; it perhaps only makes me feel more distant. It's freaking weird to me that an ecard posted on my facebook page about that person being unsympathetic and distracted and being a friend, then boom, there I go, I've got a friend in her, can make me feel so frazzled right now. I know it's sarcasm, but when I saw that, I was like yep, that's exactly how you are in real life, no sarcasm intended. It's rough--I don't feel that I have anyone to truly confide in, which is a total bummer to me. I wasn't planning on discussing it, but is this where a marriage steps in as a good thing? I won't pretend I'm one of those girls who is bitter about marriage/doesn't want to get married. I do. I really do, just not at the drop of a hat tomorrow like some girls in the culture I find myself in.
I want to have a confidant and be a confidant. Someone I know and he knows that we'll always be looking out for each other and their best interests. The idea of (since I haven't experienced it yet) a husband seems like a better ball game than any best girl friend, although, if I knew I had some worth keeping, I would need them too. anyway, this isn't a rant or lamentation about marriage. I just worry about having to spend life alone, without true friends, husband included. I talked to my mom about this loneliness and she said it doesn't get easier to gain/have/keep friends as you get older. She said your family becomes your true friends, which I know is true, but that's hard to grasp sometimes though. I'm 22; I'm young still but I feel like everyone is advancing to such different stages in life--we're no longer in the same 4 year college boat. People are finishing school, starting careers, families, etc. It's the norm. But it's also A LOT to take in all at once.

inadequacy.
what a sucky feeling. School this semester has me feeling this way. This semester, without a doubt, is the hardest I've had yet and will be the hardest I experience in undergrad. I feel like I'm not good enough for school, that no matter how hard I try, I will always be one step behind. I honestly don't know why I feel that. Stress and pressure and wanting to give up. This feeling of inadequacy leads to anger of perfection, which is bizarre, considering that they are kind of opposite, but go with me on this...
I have begun to HATE the notion of being (or even striving to be) perfect. I find myself not wanting to try to be perfect--that I like my life a little messy. and that goes along with what my society/culture/religion (note that I didn't mention my home life--I don't feel like I was raised to make myself feel/be perfect, and for that I am extremely grateful) essentially teaches. I hate that so much and I do not identify/connect with it at all. I want to be real. I want people I associate with to be real. I've abandoned the make-others-think-my-life-is-great-all-the-time mantra and I want to convince others to do the same. Life isn't going to be great all the time and that's OKAY! Don't you think that those set-backs, rough patches or non-near perfect moments are what let the good times roll?! even if it's not earth-shattering, even when it's the little things that may not go exactly as planned. I certainly do! I'm a strong believer in the premise that you can't experience joy without feeling [pain (any variant you choose)/ insert any sort of non-perfect adjective HERE] sort of thing. It's necessary to not be so one-sided about things!

It makes the happy things in life happier. For me, it allows a clearer view of why the way things turn out the way they do. I am not going to say I'm thankful for this mess of emotions I've experienced, cause let's face it, I'm thankful for them, they suck. I am grateful for the PERSPECTIVES shift that this slump has provided me though, that and the actual feelings are two very different things.
well, this has been therapeutic.


xoxo,
ash

people who know me know I love photo documentation.

Crazy

Pumpkin Girl and 50s Girl

Caitlin, me, Joy--their makeup was great.

Language Educator--that's going to be me :) the thought is becoming more and more real.

Shakes at D&B--their first time there.

Beautiful hike--cool bridge

I got bangs!

Things I am looking forward to this time of year. Snowmen. New Years. Thanksgiving. Christmas Lights!

The first 'real' snowstorm of the year. There was a lot more the morning after this photo was taken

Socioling :) geeky

Shoveling/went to play in the park with all my snow gear!

We rode the skycoaster!

Dinner before we went to a super fun corn maze.

Halloween cupcakes for my students. Love being festive.

another Halloween party

This is a crazy time of life. Love/hate it.

xoxox,

ash :)

one is the loneliest number.

This post is not for sympathy or anything of the sort.

Now that I have that out of the way,

I feel super lonely right now! I'm not even sure why. I have friends, but I don't feel really close with any of them. That is a bummer. I miss having people to call best friends, people I could seriously tell anything to. I need someone soon or else I'm going to go crazy!

my creepy house.

Back in June-Julyish, I came home to my apt in SLC and the front door was ajar. None of the roomies were home and I was freaked out. Maybe I was paranoid, but I called the cops, so they could come check it out. Better to be safe than sorry! They came and nothing was wrong. So then I just let it go.

Ever since then, I've been slighly...mmm, not freaked out, but something...like i never want to be in my house alone at night, etc. The thought of sleeping at my house alone was soooo not cool! Anyway, a little weird.

Today, my roommate comes up the stairs and was like, "Did either of you open the downstairs door (leading into the garage)?" My other roommate and I said no and we all went downstairs to check it out. Nothing seemed out the ordinary, but our landlord is coming over this evening and I cannot wait to ask him to put a doorknob that locks on that door!! The garage is really easy to get into, you just lift it with the handle on the outside and it would be soooo freaking crazy if someone got in to my house.


xoxox,
ash

China.

has pretty much been consuming my thoughts as of late. So excited to go, and I still have roughly eight months. I was going to wait to post, but I couldn't :)

Right now, it's looking like I will be going to Shenzhen, just north of Hong Kong.

I never thought I would be going to China of all places, but the more I research it, the more I feel great about the idea.

It's hard to put into words how I feel about the whole experience. I'm thrilled, nervous, happy, a little scared, inquisitive, etc. I'm excited to teach. There's a third, fourth or fifth grade class out there that's waiting for me, to help them learn. So pleased that I can. I love language and I am giddy about sharing my knowledge with others. Just giddy, I love it so much. Few people can really understand that. Most people I talk to and tell that I am going abroad to teach make it seem beneath (?) anything else I could be doing here. Most of the time, I get, "Why China?!" Or one of the many variations of that statement, with either very apparent or more subtle negative thoughts/feelings. What's the big deal with China or Asia in general? Not that it matters what other people think, I don't care. I do wonder why I get these types of reactions though. I'm going because I want to help people learn, have the training to teach English, I want to experience and live in different cultures and it makes me happy. Reason enough.

Then feelings of fear and inadequacy creep in. Fear in general, of being in a foreign place by myself, without any family or home friends around. Will I find good friends? Will I have good roommates, because I could never live alone. What about my friends here in the states, what will I miss with them? Inadequacy in teaching. Will I have the experience I need?? What if I totally suck it up as a teacher? Will I be able to reach out to the kids in China like I need to? So many questions. So few answers.

Here's to an ongoing development. I kind of just wish I could leave tomorrow, truth be told. I could keep going, but I think I'll stop there. Thoughts are whirling. Rather than word vomiting in cyberspace, I'll chill for now.

UPDATE: I've found a program to go through in South Korea that seems better (?) than the one I'd go to China through. I could go anywhere; I never thought I'd go to china--I could end up in Korea, I don't know! We'll see! I do know that I want to work for Disney English but I have to get some experience first. Beyond that-->I don't know! Life doesn't turn out as planned.

xoxox,

ash

dreams.

I rarely dream, or at least remember them, if the premise that you ALWAYS dream holds true. Anyway, I've had an interesting reoccurring dream for the past few days.
It takes place in the CEU library, where I am listening to Frank Sinatra and hanging out with a guy. Maybe I actually see his face, but I don't know, because when I wake up, it's like it was edited out.

love libraries!

Apparently, he's cool, we're cool and we have fun. It's also winter time and sometimes we walk over by the Geary in the peaceful, quiet snowfall. I like that :)

this the street view of the theater, but I think we mostly walk on the other side near the student center and art building.

Strange. I have no idea what brought this on; I haven't thought about CEU/its library/or CEU buddies for MONTHS! I haven't even been missing it! If anything, I would dream about being in the M. Lib. with a friend from the U because that's more current, but no.

random, but whatever.

xoxox,

ash

end of summer.

Summer is coming has come (I wrote this awhile ago) to an end!

Happenings--
Amber's wedding that I've been talking about for months happened! It was a little crazy weather-wise. It was beautiful while we were setting up, but it seemed like the second the reception started, the rain came! Everything ended up having to be taken down and moved into their house. that was crazy! I was trying to hold up a freestanding trellis that had pictures all over it when the wind got bad, and trying to get someone to take down the video screen (the bride's parents' tv!) That would have been terrible if it broke.

Without further ado...the pictures I got, I was running around and didn't get a ton :(

the only pic I got of the bride and myself haha. Our hair was ruined from the rain!

decorated the car. xoxo window and lots of crepe paper in the inside. I also FILLED the entire inside with newspaper. They cleaned it out before they left. Who does that?!

inside shot

Anyway, moving along.

 I'm posting this picture because it was taken at the Iron and Wine concert, NOT because we met Jef Holm. I don't even really care haha. Iron and Wine however, was awesome! I was so happy that they played "Boy With a Coin"--probably my favorite song of theirs!

Mumford and Sons was AMAZING! I went with my friend Kristi who I hadn't seen in a very long time. It was good to catch up and I was so happy she loves Mumford as much as I do! They played songs off their new album coming out in September, crazy good. My favorite was "I Will Wait"--can you say incredible instrumentals?? They had the normal guitars, bass guitars, drums, etc. but then they also had a banjo, mandolins, violins, cellos, string basses, french horns, trombones and trumpets! It was so good and so worth the money. I will definitely be seeing them again. Perfect end for summer to head back into school. {and i promise that I don't just go to concerts all the time (top two pics haha), but summer concerts really are the best)

This pic looks so much better on my phone! We had a 50th Wedding Anniversary for my Gami and Grandpa! 50 years, wow!! It was so great, I'm glad we did it. We had dinner first, then went over to Brandi's office and had it all decorated. On the table behind us in the pic, there is some wedding memorabilia--Gam's wedding dress, sign in book, napkins from the wedding day, pressed flowers, etc. It was great! We also had a 'wedding' cake that we made. It was tiered and had live flowers; I actually really liked how it turned out. It wasn't professional by any means, but it was homemade with love and I'm kinda digging stuff like that rather some mass-produced, cookie cutter stuff these days :) Then we watched a video that we all contributed memories and pictures to. It was long, very much a treasure. I know I have some family friends that read this blog, so I am going to try to put it up here. It really is worth the watch.

First MUSS Game! With Caitlin and Kelsey. So much fun, but so far, my favorite game has been the Utah/BYU game. So great!

State fair with Whitney! We went to see Parachute play for free and then we walked around, ate some yummy fair food, and got friendship bracelets! We also rode the Tornado (first pic) and laughed our heads off! So much fun!!!

I also completed some items on my summer life to-do list that weren't photo documented.

-Learned what weed smelled like. Thank you Twilight Concert Series. No, for real, in the spring I asked my mom why I was 22 years old and she never taught me what weed smelled like--so when I told her I finally knew what it smelled like, she was like ahh, I love weed. ha--child of the 80s much?!

-Learned to drive stick! I need practice now, but the person who taught me was super patient! I was surprised.

That's all for now.

xoxox,
ash

internship craziness.

Back in May, as I reported to this blog, I applied for an internship. I thought the interview went super well, but I didn't get it and was super bummed. I wanted a second job for the summer (it was a paid internship) and it would have been perfect for my resume so I could get some experience in my field, even if it's mostly just office work.

Fast forward to two Mondays ago--July 9. I am pretty much always job hunting, even if not seriously, so I decided to hop on the U's career website and have a look around. Guess what was reposted? The internship! I know what it's like to be rejected by something (jobs, student gov positions, etc.) when you really wanted them, but I also know that persistence goes a long way too. With that in mind, I reapplied for the internship and went to work at my normal job for that day.

15 minutes before I was supposed to leave for the day, my boss emails me saying, "Hey, let me know when you're leaving." I let her know that I was leaving at five. In she comes five minutes later, says that our department isn't doing what it should be numbers-wise, that they don't have enough for me to do, and that her boss told her to let me go today. I was shocked, sort of the I-just-got-laid-off, did-that-just-happen?? sort of thing. I let her know that I thought the way she handled the situation was very unprofessional and that she should have given me some notice so I could be looking for something else. The way she talked, they might have seen this coming. She told me she was sorry--it was lukewarm at best, and that she thought I was looking for other jobs. Well lady, that was at the beginning of the summer, before I decided to just have one job and study for the LSAT/GRE. Anyway, lame excuse. Not impressed. We work closely with two other divisions, so I asked her about transitioning to one of the other ones and she said I could talk to her boss about it. I went down to his office, he was interviewing an MBA candidate and I was upset and didn't want to wait any longer. I left him a note telling him to give me a call and left. He called me about an hour later, and I told him what I wanted to do and he said he would think about it over the next few days and get back to me.

The next day, a girl from the office calls me back and tells me that they hired two new people, so there's not anything for me to help with there either. In all honesty, that is completely fine. It is the WAY they handled things that made me mad. 1) they probably did see the numbers decline and expect this lay off in the near future; what I don't understand is why they didn't hold off on hiring new people and let me transition over. 2) why the guy didn't have the gumption to call me back rather than have the girl from the office do it and better still, why he didn't just tell me when I talked to him the previous day. He probably knew that that wasn't going to work. ugh! Needless to say, I was disappointed, and stressed about finding another job.

The silver lining in the cloud:
Wednesday, I get a call from the internship people saying that they wanted me to come in for another interview! I was excited :) Thursday, I went for the interview, and felt that it went really well but was careful to not get my hopes up like I did the first time. They told me that I would know by the next day.
Later that afternoon, they called me and OFFERED ME THE INTERNSHIP! Yay!! I was beyond ecstatic! Good experience for my resume/30 hrs/week/paid, what more could I want?? I started this last Monday and I really like it so far :) the people in the office are so fun! I really love listening to them chatter in Spanish and being able to understand most of what is said. I also love to hear about their cultures and similarities/differences to here. I've always been interested in culture like that, so this is perfect for me! Two of them are from Colombia, one is from Peru, one is from Italy and there are usually 3-4 more native Spanish speakers in the office too. Love it!

The point I mean to get to with all of this, that was made to me throughout all of it was that things just work out. They really do. This may sound cheesy or insignificant, but I don't think this was coincidence at all. It was meant to be! I guess that goes to show, just keep trucking, busting your butt and you will get to where you want to be :)

In other news, that same week, I bought a car! A silver Honda Civic! It is super cute and I love driving it. It is in super good shape and I got a great deal, so I am pleased. It's funny, at the beginning of the year, I filled out a questionnaire to kinda gauge my desires for this year, and one of the questions was, "What are some things (material and otherwise) that you hope to have in 2012 that you didn't have in 2011?" I had two answers: a silver Honda Civic and another thing (not material) that I won't list here. 1 out of 2! It's only mid-year--I think that's good odds for the other thing too!

Life is good! If only my dating experiences could improve a little {or a lot}, that would be fabulous! But that is a story for another time (so many weirdos, so little time). Baby steps hahahah.

xoxoxo,
ash

stuff.

Summer update--

My best friend is engaged! August 10, 2012. I am so happy for them. I'm throwing her a bridal shower--excited about that too!!

I find out about the internship I interviewed for next week! I was supposed to find out this week, but they told me they're not deciding yet! It's killing me.

I've been doing really good with diet and exercise lately. It's awesome :)

I really need a best bud/guy friend. I'm tired of not having people to do stuff with. My few friends that I can call up and go do whatever with are out of town for the summer or live too far away. Bummer. Need to work on that.

That's about it. Life is good!


xoxo,

ash

SUMMER!!

What I wanna do for fun!

~learn to play guitar and/or piano!
~read, read, read
~Date a lot
~bonfires/picnics/bbqs
~summer night walks and drives
~play in the park/swing on swings ♥
~learn to drive stick shift
~summer concerts!!
~work a lot, save my money so I can go somewhere awesome before I get a big girl job next summer
~knit/crochet. I found the most fantastic book at b&n for them--I need to go buy it
~become better at creating deeper connections with people
~become a better cook
~walk from the kaysville tabernacle to the bountiful temple with my old stake!
~eat at a street taco stand. still haven't done this from last summer!

also, now that the semester is over, I've thought about what I really want out of life...and I think I've decided  ! Remember when i had 2 options--audiology or law? Last semester was killer for me for my csd major work--I like (like being the key word) the classes in theory and enjoy learning, but the tests were sooo hard. I don't know that I love it enough to keep going. I really just want to travel at this point in my life. I know that will make me the happiest. so, after I realized that I can still get the TESOL certificate, I have come to the conclusion that that is what I think I should do. I've never imagined myself as a teacher, but I CAN teach. I taught my cutie 4-Hers for 2.5 years and I loved that. I know that teaching English will be different, but I loved the difference I was able to make in kids' lives when I was teaching and I hope I can in some small way do the same when I go abroad. That is what is most important to me--making a difference in someone's life. holy cow. this is NEVER how i envisioned my life, but it just feels so right. cheesy, but my heart is pounding as I type this and as I've thought about it. I want to go abroad for a year (or ?) and come back and go to law school. ahh. I do know this, that as much as I am a planner, life never turns out like you plan! so I never know what will happen, but I HAVE to jump in with both feet. I can't wait, and I'm so happy and I just feel like shouting from the rooftops!! yay for using my linguistics knowledge for something useful. I really do love it, geekiness and all :) :) so so happy right now! love life, and love you people too!

xoxoxo,

ash

because I find this hilarious!

I heard on the news late last week that by state, utah has the highest percentages of pinterest views. I myself do not have a pinterest account, and I don't think I ever will. But, from the conversations I hear about it online and in person, it seems as though many girls, especially around my age, would make up a lot of this percentage. and I know for sure they 'pin' about wedding ideas and things they would like at their future weddings. Given this information, and how the culture is here a lot of the time, this came to mind:

haha so funny.


xoxo,

ash

ps. I must see avengers again! I loved it.