What I have been feeling lately is a whole plethora of emotion. The hard part is me not knowing where it is coming from! I've dealt with insomnia, (oh my goodness, insomnia. I don't wish that upon anyone!) anxiety, fear, loneliness, the general feeling that something's not quite right, inadequacy, and anger. I am grateful, for the small spurts of happy I've felt too.

It's been a weird chain of reactions. Insomnia leads to anxiety or anxiety leads to insomnia, it's a vicious cycle. My mind just thinks, and thinks and thinks. Don't even get me started on thinking about sleep itself--because I become a basket case. This has been going on for about a month and a half, that's reached chronic status. I'm going to see a doctor after the semester ends. Hallelujah!

Other health problems that will hopefully be solved with said doctor visit. I was going to write about them, but we'll leave physical ailments out of here. probably TMI. Hence the I feel like something isn't right. I hope we can get to the bottom of it soon.

Fear-- wow. It's hard to be fearful, and it's even harder to not fully grasp what I fear. I guess my fear would tie to my feelings of loneliness and inadequacy. I fear being alone, and being lonely. You know the feeling you can get, being "surrounded by a million people and I still feel alone..." (Michael Buble's Home), that's how I feel. I am the type of person who only needs one or two close, close friends, not a bunch of whatever friends and those are the type that I have right now. It doesn't help me; it perhaps only makes me feel more distant. It's freaking weird to me that an ecard posted on my facebook page about that person being unsympathetic and distracted and being a friend, then boom, there I go, I've got a friend in her, can make me feel so frazzled right now. I know it's sarcasm, but when I saw that, I was like yep, that's exactly how you are in real life, no sarcasm intended. It's rough--I don't feel that I have anyone to truly confide in, which is a total bummer to me. I wasn't planning on discussing it, but is this where a marriage steps in as a good thing? I won't pretend I'm one of those girls who is bitter about marriage/doesn't want to get married. I do. I really do, just not at the drop of a hat tomorrow like some girls in the culture I find myself in.
I want to have a confidant and be a confidant. Someone I know and he knows that we'll always be looking out for each other and their best interests. The idea of (since I haven't experienced it yet) a husband seems like a better ball game than any best girl friend, although, if I knew I had some worth keeping, I would need them too. anyway, this isn't a rant or lamentation about marriage. I just worry about having to spend life alone, without true friends, husband included. I talked to my mom about this loneliness and she said it doesn't get easier to gain/have/keep friends as you get older. She said your family becomes your true friends, which I know is true, but that's hard to grasp sometimes though. I'm 22; I'm young still but I feel like everyone is advancing to such different stages in life--we're no longer in the same 4 year college boat. People are finishing school, starting careers, families, etc. It's the norm. But it's also A LOT to take in all at once.

inadequacy.
what a sucky feeling. School this semester has me feeling this way. This semester, without a doubt, is the hardest I've had yet and will be the hardest I experience in undergrad. I feel like I'm not good enough for school, that no matter how hard I try, I will always be one step behind. I honestly don't know why I feel that. Stress and pressure and wanting to give up. This feeling of inadequacy leads to anger of perfection, which is bizarre, considering that they are kind of opposite, but go with me on this...
I have begun to HATE the notion of being (or even striving to be) perfect. I find myself not wanting to try to be perfect--that I like my life a little messy. and that goes along with what my society/culture/religion (note that I didn't mention my home life--I don't feel like I was raised to make myself feel/be perfect, and for that I am extremely grateful) essentially teaches. I hate that so much and I do not identify/connect with it at all. I want to be real. I want people I associate with to be real. I've abandoned the make-others-think-my-life-is-great-all-the-time mantra and I want to convince others to do the same. Life isn't going to be great all the time and that's OKAY! Don't you think that those set-backs, rough patches or non-near perfect moments are what let the good times roll?! even if it's not earth-shattering, even when it's the little things that may not go exactly as planned. I certainly do! I'm a strong believer in the premise that you can't experience joy without feeling [pain (any variant you choose)/ insert any sort of non-perfect adjective HERE] sort of thing. It's necessary to not be so one-sided about things!

It makes the happy things in life happier. For me, it allows a clearer view of why the way things turn out the way they do. I am not going to say I'm thankful for this mess of emotions I've experienced, cause let's face it, I'm thankful for them, they suck. I am grateful for the PERSPECTIVES shift that this slump has provided me though, that and the actual feelings are two very different things.
well, this has been therapeutic.


xoxo,
ash