pivotal moment.

Tonight, I reached an important conclusion that I feel should be shared.

A little background first--
the past few months have been incredibly better in my life than spring and the beginning of summer were. (Crazy how fast a year goes by!) I felt lost. confused. like I didn't have a purpose. didn't know what was going to be my next move. then I went to Michigan for LSA 2013, which, was a life saver for me, truly. Sounds cheesy, but I needed that time to get away, clear my head, spend time in a new place and leave some of the life commotion I had felt before at the airline gate, and take time to learn and grow with my passion--build upon that and strengthen and expand my knowledge of all things language. That is exactly what I did and it was wonderful. I am so happy that I made that opportunity work for myself. I internalized something very important while in Michigan--to live and be happy in the now, something I'd known my whole life but then I felt like I wrapped my head completely around the idea and was ready to put the practice in motion.

I came home, the rest of the summer was a blur and I was less than ecstatic to be going back to school. but, as usual, time passed and school came and with the help of my dear family and wonderful close friends, I was back on the school wagon, moving right along. Schoolwork and learning was more enjoyable than spring semester, which I am beyond grateful for! I finally found my groove. I have worked my butt off this semester and am doing extremely well, with the exception of one class where I cannot get the grade to where I want it to be no matter what I do or try--I've done everything in my power, and still nothing! It's super, super frustrating, but I will just take it as it comes.

Into the fall came a promotion for me at my job that I happen to love. It is seriously amazing and I love what I get to do each and every day, trying to make a difference for those high school kids and have fun too. It is pushing me toward an M.Ed. more and more--as long as I can get my PhD in Child Lang. Acquisition ;) Just another thing added to my incredible journey.

Things felt like they were starting to go right, such a relief. Then I started wondering when I would start going on more dates, or why I *wasn't* going on more dates, which is dumb, I now know. There was potential to...not wallow...but be bummed about it at times, especially when feeling like a ton of my friends are getting married and having kids. I even feel like it is getting harder to hang out with some friends when they say, "If you can find a date, you can come!" Like a dude is an accessory, a necessary one! Weird, weird. In the culture I'm surrounded by, sometimes people make marriage into such a huge deal that it can feeling crushing or very limiting at times to single people. It is all about how you take it, but sometimes you feel like the vibe around you is telling you you're not quite good enough until you've got that significant other at your side and you're well on your way to engagement and marriage. I think these people forget what it's like to be single and that it is not a big deal if you haven't hit that life stage yet--it's not life and death. Important, yes. but are you any less of a person if you don't have that? No. It is a process--you start hearing those corny sentiments like "Your time will come!", "When the time is right!"--I strongly dislike these phrases and similar ones. People are well-meaning, but after a while, it makes you want to bash your head into a wall a few times, ha! I was tired of this limitation that I thought people were putting on me, then after some thought, it was me *letting* them put these supposed limitations on myself, so I stopped worrying about it and life in the romance world and bombardments from others got a whole lot easier to handle.

Today is when I reached my pivotal moment. I was standing in a cemetery with my family, decorating some loved ones' graves for Christmas, a tradition we do every year--not even related to the thoughts that came to mind. I smiled. and I realized that I am completely happy. Completely and utterly happy. I don't know if there are adequate words to explain my experience. My life is great. I needed to learn to focus on what I do have--amazing family, wonderful close friends, fantastic job, the mind-blowing opportunity to gain education and expand that education and many, many other blessings. I can honestly say that I have quit worrying about what I don't have (and not just guys, other things too). My time has been better spent doing things to benefit myself, others and society than all the time I've spent in the past worrying about the don't haves combined. I have reached a higher level with this mindset and I am grateful for that. I have become more dependent on myself, which is an incredibly empowering feeling!! It is so much more fun to jump in to what you have been given, and created for yourself, in life, rather than hanging back waiting for what you think you want. Who knows? You may get to a certain point where you get whatever it is you thought you wanted and be disappointed--the life you're building as an active participant will most likely be better. I want to encourage a genuine stop to worrying; I wish to spread that to everyone. Focus on what you can do now to make your life amazing; I know you will see a difference.

Happy Thanksgiving Week
xoxo,
Ashlie