an analogy.

I've been thinking a lot about families recently. This summer, I've been back in my parents' house to save a little money since I was in Michigan/California for a month. Saving money and the time before I left for Michigan was great. Then I went to Michigan--I had a lot of time to contemplate where I want my life to go. I tossed around the idea of an LDS mission, and I think that's a no-go, but I will make my decision by early September. I don't want to go for the wrong reasons (wanting to learn a language for me, seriously!). I only have a little bit of school left, but I dread going back in the fall. I just don't want to. Every day in the spring, I would trudge up to the U, hating life, hating school and partially hating myself. That's not like me! I usually love life, like school and love myself too. So I started contemplating taking a semester off and I still haven't decided, but it seems like a good option--take a breather, get a second job, save up some money cause heaven knows I'm gonna need it because of cost of car repairs after my accident last week and also go to New York this Christmas, (that's on my life-list! 2013 seems to be the year to finally start checking some of those things off!) and go back to school in the spring. I don't know, just a thought. One thing being in MI truely did teach me though, was "Live in the present, try not to be so future-focused." Sure, I know I need a plan and I'm working to put one together, but I also need to focus on the now. the plan of now. I believe that was causing some of my unhappiness, and I was ready to take this new-found, refreshed idea back with me, knowing it would work wonders.

Then I came back. My family left the day after I got back for vacation in California. It was a fun trip. Toward the end though, something in me snapped. Beyond, "ok, this is too much family togetherness, I just need a break", to the point of me getting teary on my way to the airport (they weren't with me; had to come back early to help my cousin with wedding stuff) about how I was going to fix my feelings when I got home. It was the weirdest thing. The live in the now feelings I had felt a strong conviction for in MI were gone and I am floundering, trying to gain them back.

Well, I haven't told my parents about my thoughts in Michigan of what I'm going to do over the next little bit. I'm afraid they'll be disappointed. but, I'm wondering if my indecisiveness is having an impact on their treatment of me. They already are disappointed, but sometimes I have to forge my own way and figure out things for me because they don't live my life, or my disappointment in myself. They'll get over it, I know, but it is somewhat miserable in the meantime. so, this leads me to an analogy that I want to share:

Last weekend, I went to visit my dear grandparents and we went to a rodeo! If you know my Grandpa P at all, you know he loves horses and the other components of rodeo, so I was excited to go with him to one live, it's been a while! the rodeo in it's entirety was great--the part I want to focus on, though, is team roping. I have wondered this before, but this day, I asked my gami,

"Do you think if the first roper gets his job done and for whatever reason, the second roper can't or doesn't successfully complete his portion, the first roper gets mad at him?" 

Her reply was simple, but hit me like a ton of bricks.

"No," she said, "because the second roper is mad enough at himself for the both of them."

Whoa. Talk about profound. This was exactly what I was supposed to discover in the difficulties with my family over the last few weeks. Yes, they are upset at me, but even more, I am upset with myself, in the figuring-it-out process. That is why it has been so tough. Maybe even that's part of the reason why I've been thinking about the family I want in the future so much recently. I wanna be loved, not criticized so much. I need a very best friend in husband form (friends are wonderful, but totally not the same) who builds and who I can confide in. that is what I want the most. A confidant who I can tell anything to--hopes, dreams, fears, stresses. I place enough stress on myself as it is. I don't need more; I need a release, and that for me is talking. I'm the second team roper who hasn't been able to successfully tie the calf of school and life in a cool, neat knot. and the first team ropers aren't seeing the pressure and stress I take on myself, they just get mad instead of understanding that I messed up and I'll try harder and better the next time.

I hope I can convince them of this. until then, I'll keep improving myself, making myself better for what is to come. it is all about the process.

xoxox,

ash